For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
