my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
