Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
