Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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