I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
