the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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