Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
