just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
