I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
