I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
