last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
