why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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