Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
