bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
