chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
