btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
