So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
