I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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