my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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