that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
