I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
