but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
