I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
