I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
