As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
