he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
