my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
