do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
