i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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