They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
