oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
