morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
