Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
