Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
