Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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