I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
