I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
