it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
