remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
