dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
