started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
