Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
