i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
