When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
