You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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