I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
