i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
