The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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