I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
