Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
