1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
