Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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