i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
