he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
